What if?

When I was in the second grade I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and set the goals I needed to accomplish them. I had my life mapped out until I was 27. The goals stopped there because I thought I would have the "perfect" life and would not need any more goals as life would have fallen right into place. What did my eight yeAr old self set as goals for myself?

1. Become a social worker
2. Get married at 25
3. Buy a house
4. Become a therapist helping children

I accomplished all of them, too, and by the deadlines I had given myself. I thought that life would just fall into place when I achieved those four goals by having children and living happily ever after. Obviously that didn't happen.

I was 27 when my world came crashing down around me. It was barely 2009 (February to be exact) when both my parents died within a week of each other and is had zero direction in my life. I was spinning out of. control. I had my parents debt as well as our own debt sinking us. We had been trying to get pregnant (TTC) with no luck and my weight just continued to climb.

We finally filed for bankruptcy in order to keep our house and sanity. I sought out a doctor to help me understand the infertility, which just reinforced what was already in my head: lose weight!!! You'd think just hearing that I need to lose weight in order to get pregnant would jump start my weight loss, but did it? NO!!!!!

I took me a whole year to try to lose weight and I lost 82 pounds, but stopped working out and gained most of it back. Here I am again trying to regain my life by changing my lifestyle. I have finally realized that I cannot just get the weight off--I have make this a lifelong change.

I'm scared that I have waited too long to make a change in life. What if I lose the weight and still can't get pregnant? What if I'm too old or if there is a different reason for infertility? What if I can't get below 200? What if...