My pathetic 2012 review

I've been horrible about keeping track of my year as I had planned to do as part of this blog.  I WILL DO BETTER next year!!

January

This was a pretty laid back, boring month.  It didn't snow and we had unseasonably warm weather.  We made and quickly broke the resolutions we made.

Just back from the NYE party at church

February

I started and failed at this blog weighing in at 327.  We took the T&T program over for AWANA at our church when the current directors moved away. We went to a super bowl party at church to watch Eli Manning play...at least one Manning got to play even though Peyton had his worst year ever.  I also came down with a sinus infection and double ear infection.  Now that I am looking back, I realize I hardly took any pictures this year and zero in February.

March

We took our T&T group to Evansville to do bible quizzing for the first year and then returned to do games hoping to continue our victory from last year...unfortunately we took second in games.  I went to my last event with the Widows group at my church. Dwaine went to Twin Lakes men camp with the men of our church.

April

Dwaine and I started to seriously contemplate AWANA missionary positions and joined as a Missionary team member for the State of Indiana.  We wrapped our AWANA year with our T&T kids and held a pizza party for them. We laid hardwood floors in house.

May

We celebrated our forth wedding anniversary.  We started leading the summer Wednesday night series for 3-5 graders at church. Our cat had three kittens and I got to keep one, Cougar.

June

 I was a teacher for 10 year-olds in VBS.  We held a pool party for current and in-coming T&T kids. We ended our gym membership and bought some gym equipment.

July

We began to train with an amazing AWANA missionary to learn how to do Basic Training.  We helped out our church's fourth at first community outreach event on the 4th of July in 100+ degree heat resulting in the worst sunburn I'd ever had. We took the current and incoming T&T kids to an Evansville Otter baseball game and firework show.

August

We began to run our own Basic Trainings in our area for AWANA.  We started gearing up for our own AWANA club starting. We planned our trip for our five year wedding anniversary to the bahamas.

September

We continued with Basic Trainings.  We started our AWANA club year with a bunch of great leaders and clubbers.  I broke my poor camera.  We celebrated my 31st birthday. We went to our first AWANA conference in Bedford, Indiana.

October

We decided to pursue an AWANA missionary position within the US.  We taught children's church.  Our church had their annual trunk or treat for Halloween on the coldest night ever.  We decorated our trunk to represent the tangled web of lies we weave.  We went to our second AWANA conference in Kokomo, Indiana.

November

We paid off my car while the transmission in Dwaine's SUV began to mess up.  My camera miraculously began to work again.  I got an ipad as an early Christmas present. We passed the missionary statement part of the AWANA missionary application process.

December

We got 19 inches of snow from Blizzard 2012. We celebrated Christmas.  We passed the background and financial check part of the AWANA missionary application process.

Detour to January

It's totally safe to say that I have fallen off the healthy lifestyle bandwagon. Not only have I fallen, I have been totally left behind. I know that this is totally my fault, but dang it's really hard to turn down yummy, delicious holiday treats. Everyone has been bringing in Christmas candies, pizza, and cakes. AHH! I have no willpower, so I am doing the worst thing possible and choosing to just live my life for now and enjoy each day. If I am under my calories, then great. If not, I am not going to beat myself up. I will re-start my healthy eating with the rest of the world on January 1. This is my choice and I will live with my consequences, but I cannot continue to belittle myself as I have been doing over the past week because I am miserable and life just isn't long enough to be miserable.

Detour 1

Wednesday I weighed in at 327.4 and then I just bottomed out. Thursday and Friday I had bad days at work and bunged emotionally.  It continued until now. As hubby was driving us home tonight from a Chinese/Japanese buffet, I realized what I had been doing to myself. I don't know why I allowed someone at work upset me so much that I derailed the progress that I had been making.  I justify my eating telling myself that I deserve for the way the person made me feel. WHATEVER!!!!! I allowed that person to affect me or better so I choose to re-act how I did.

I hate that I threw any the progress I had been making. I know I will forever have a struggle with food, but dang it's so frustrating. I just weighed in and I am at 333, but starting in the morning I will be back on track and I will get back to 327.4 and continue to lose.

Hubby and I have taken out all the junk food from the house and agreed to buy no soda for at least a week! We will conquer this demon!

December stats

Via Facebook

Today begins another month, so I weighed in unofficially and took my measurements. I weighed in at 329.2 and had lost 5 inches total from my waist, hips, and chest. I will NEVER see the 330s again!!

I will finish this month strong. I will not over-indulge this month throwing away the progress I have made. I will make this a lifestyle change.

Women Connect '12

I did my first link-up today to reach out and meet new bloggers. If you've found me from the link-up, welcome!  I'm pretty simple, so I figured I'd bullet point my life.

• Just turned 31 (gasp)
• Married to a God fearing man of almost 5 years
• Childless--struggling with infertility
• 4 dogs, 3 cats, and 3 turtles
• Clinical social worker
• AWANA director for t&t 
• Indiana AWANA ministry team member
• Pursing missionary position with my husband
• In the middle of my weight loss journey 
• Beginning to love jogging
• God is my number one
• Love coffee and diet Pepsi

Dreaming

I'm down for the count again with a sinus infection. I've been exercising the past seven days and have been eating within my caloric limits, yet I still gained 0.4 pounds this week. I'm feeling defeated right now because I can't maintain the motivation to have the life I want. I have no problem dreaming--it's the hard work that I have to put into my dreams.

I really wanted to be at 299 by January 1 and that's not going to happen now and it's totally my own fault. I started again in July this year with the hope that I would be at 299, but I didn't put forth that effort.

I have almost a full six months until my cruise and I WILL BE UNDER 300 POUNDS!!!!

What if?

When I was in the second grade I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and set the goals I needed to accomplish them. I had my life mapped out until I was 27. The goals stopped there because I thought I would have the "perfect" life and would not need any more goals as life would have fallen right into place. What did my eight yeAr old self set as goals for myself?

1. Become a social worker
2. Get married at 25
3. Buy a house
4. Become a therapist helping children

I accomplished all of them, too, and by the deadlines I had given myself. I thought that life would just fall into place when I achieved those four goals by having children and living happily ever after. Obviously that didn't happen.

I was 27 when my world came crashing down around me. It was barely 2009 (February to be exact) when both my parents died within a week of each other and is had zero direction in my life. I was spinning out of. control. I had my parents debt as well as our own debt sinking us. We had been trying to get pregnant (TTC) with no luck and my weight just continued to climb.

We finally filed for bankruptcy in order to keep our house and sanity. I sought out a doctor to help me understand the infertility, which just reinforced what was already in my head: lose weight!!! You'd think just hearing that I need to lose weight in order to get pregnant would jump start my weight loss, but did it? NO!!!!!

I took me a whole year to try to lose weight and I lost 82 pounds, but stopped working out and gained most of it back. Here I am again trying to regain my life by changing my lifestyle. I have finally realized that I cannot just get the weight off--I have make this a lifelong change.

I'm scared that I have waited too long to make a change in life. What if I lose the weight and still can't get pregnant? What if I'm too old or if there is a different reason for infertility? What if I can't get below 200? What if...